


The Clown

by Decaykid



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Humor, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canonical Character Death, Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-10
Updated: 2019-03-10
Packaged: 2019-11-15 00:45:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18063347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Decaykid/pseuds/Decaykid
Summary: Maybe it had to do with his powers- he felt scared all the time, terrified and isolated. But he felt comfort in the presence of his siblings. Whenever one or more were around, the ghosts seemed less scary. They kept him grounded, kept him brave. Or maybe it was because he knew what it was like to suffer, knew the power of a smile, so he learned to laugh despite his pain if only ease someone else’s burdened. Or maybe it was just his empathy- that he couldn’t stand to watch one of his own feel sad and lonely. Or sometimes, he wonders, it was to make up for what he felt were his short comings- he’d lost interest in maintaining or developing his powers after being locked in the mausoleum and his Dad viewed him as a disappointment. Not that Klaus cared- he was just wasting everyone’s time being dragged along on missions, as far as he was concerned. He couldn’t do much unless a victim had died there, but the others were usually pretty good at spotting the perps with or without ghost intel. So Klaus felt he needed to compensate- bring some humor along instead.





	The Clown

 

It was hard growing up, and while they wouldn’t come to understand the true extent of it until they got out into the real world and first learned words like “trauma” and “abuse”, that pressure was still felt, even in childhood. Klaus always did what he could to keep everyone smiling.

 

Team work.

 

That’s what their Dad has always preached. And Klaus figured they could make it, as long as they stuck together. While saving the world by fighting one crime at a time, yes, but also in making sure no one felt down.

 

Maybe it had to do with his powers- he felt scared all the time, terrified and isolated. But he felt comfort in the presence of his siblings. Whenever one or more were around, the ghosts seemed less scary. They kept him grounded, kept him brave. Or maybe it was because he knew what it was like to suffer, knew the power of a smile, so he learned to laugh despite his pain if only ease someone else’s burdened. Or maybe it was just his empathy- that he couldn’t stand to watch one of his own feel sad and lonely. Or sometimes, he wonders, it was to make up for what he felt were his short comings- he’d lost interest in maintaining or developing his powers after being locked in the mausoleum and his Dad viewed him as a disappointment. Not that Klaus cared- he was just wasting everyone’s time being dragged along on missions, as far as he was concerned. He couldn’t do much unless a victim had died there, but the others were usually pretty good at spotting the perps with or without ghost intel. So Klaus felt he needed to compensate- bring some humor along instead.

 

At least he felt he was doing something, something meaningful.

 

Not that saving the world wasn’t meaningful, it’s just that making Diego smile or Allison laugh brought him a joy that watching the others beating up bank robbers just couldn’t. And he learned what it took to make each sibling smile.

 

-//-

 

They are four, and Klaus asks his father why Vanya isn’t attending the training session.

 

“Do not worry about it.” He says gruffly. “Focus on your training.”

 

Vanya has been sick for a while and kept away from them. Their father recently let her around and about again, but Klaus hasn’t seen any more of her. He thinks that maybe she isn’t feeling well still and when lunch time comes around, Klaus forgoes with sitting with his siblings to sit with Vanya and her scattered papers and markers.

 

“Hey Number Seven.” He greets after climbing into the chair beside her. She says nothing, but continues her doodles. He watches for a bit, asks her what’s going on in the picture. He still gets no response. He glances across the tabletop, the gets an idea. He takes one of her markers, untucks his shirt and draws a pair of eyes and a mustache on his abdomen above his naval.

 

“Hello Number Seven.” He says in a silly voice as he makes his belly button “talk” to his sister. Vanya stops drawing, turns to look at Klaus’ handiwork and cracks a little smirk.

 

“You’re so weird Number Four.” She says.

 

“My name’s not Number Four,” says his belly button, “it’s Pierre.”

 

Vanya giggles, and Klaus giggles along with her.

 

-//-

 

They are eight, and Klaus hears sniffles coming from Diego’s room as he passes by. He hesitates only a moment before opening the door?

 

“Diego?”

 

“G-G Go away.” He stammers as he quickly turns away from the door to clumsily wipe tears with balled fists.

 

“Why are you crying?” Klaus asks, alarmed. He hasn’t seen Diego cry since they were five and Luther punched him when they got into a fight and gave Diego a black eye.

 

“I don’t want t-to t-t t-talk about it.”

 

Klaus considers this, then decides he doesn’t need to know why Diego is upset to make him feel better. He leaves the room and steps out into the hall. Diego thinks he’s finally gotten his peace and privacy, but after some awkward shuffling and a few grunts, Klaus walks back into the room- with his uniform on backwards.

 

Diego snorts, wipes his nose.

 

“What are you d-doing?”

 

“I’m Backwards Man!” Klaus announces, holding his arms out to show he is indeed backwards.

 

“What d-d do, do you mean?”

 

“I’m like a normal human being,” Klaus explains, “except I was born on Opposite Day- so I was born backwards!”

 

Diego looks at Klaus; the thought of his brother being just like a normal human being but backwards seems so silly and absurd to him that he can’t help but giggle.

 

-//-

 

They are ten and enjoying recess. Klaus is busy playing hopscotch when he picks up on Five playing a solo game of Wall Ball- and throwing the ball with more force then necessary. Klaus easily abandons the game and the ghost he’d been playing with to investigate.

 

“Whatchya doin’?” Klaus asks conversationally as he comes to a stop beside Five.

 

“What’s it look like I’m doing?” Five asks, tone short.

 

Of all his siblings, Five is the best at hiding his emotions. He would be unreadable, if not for his inflection. And, as often the case with Five, it’s always what he isn’t saying that tends to be the problem.

 

“Is is because of the park?”

 

Five, Klaus and Allison has snuck out during the day last Thursday to hang out at the park. During their outing, Five and sneezed and accidentally teleported from the swings to the sandbox. It freaked a few adults out and their father had to come get them- and he was very displeased.

 

“Is it because training?”

 

Five throws the rhythmic thumping of the ball picks up pace.

 

“Diego only threw that knife because Dad made him...”

 

Five throws the ball harder.

 

“You did a good job dodging it though. You’re getting better at your jumps.”

 

Five is frowning now, just a hair.

 

“I don’t think Dad wanted you to get hurt, he was just trying-“

 

The ball comes off the wall at an odd angle, goes flying off into the yard.

 

“Well I’m trying!” Five yells, and Klaus blinks in surprise at the sudden loudness.

 

Five’s shoulders slump and his hands fall to his side as he kicks at the dirt, gaze watching his foot intently.

 

“He keeps pushing me and pushing me... but I’m trying! I really am! But it’s like... he doesn’t care. It’s like it’s not enough. He won’t be happy until I can do it the way he wants.”

 

Klaus frowns. Dad has been pushing them during training lately, he’s been going on speeches, calling their powers ‘gifts’ and calling the children special, saying they have a destined purpose in life.

 

Klaus thinks Five needs a break.

 

“C’mon Five, it’s recess. It’s time to have fun.”

 

“There’s no time for ‘fun’. I should be practicing my jumps.”

 

“Practice them when we get back in.” Klaus says again, insistent.

 

“Okay, fine.” Five says, and after a few seconds, Klaus realizes Five intends to just stand there for the rest of their break.

 

“No, no, not like that.” Klaus says, then he’s grabbing at Five’s jacket sleeve as he begins skipping in a circle around Five, and Five reluctantly spins around in a circle.

 

“Klaus, what are you doing?”

 

“Having fun.” Klaus says as his skipping turns to running, and he’s reaching for Five’s hands.

 

“This is ridiculous... I’m getting dizzy!”

 

“That’s the point!”

 

The boys are holding hands, spinning around and around one another as though trapped in each other’s orbit. Faster and faster they go until the outside world blurs together and they’re both giggling, both free until one or both of them trips and they’re tumbling to the ground in a fit of laughter as they lay in the grass, watching the world spin around them.

 

-//-

 

They are twelve and Allison has been quiet all day. Klaus watches her as she diligently paints his nails, there’s something bothering her, he can see it in her eyes.

 

“You wanna talk about it?” He asks.

 

She looks at him as though caught off guard, then turns away sheepishly.

 

“I don’t know...”

 

“It’ll make you feel better...”

 

“I just...” She sighs. “Do you ever, I don’t know... it’s just that sometimes, you know, I mean I know there’s seven of us, but do you ever feel... alone? I don’t know. I... sometimes everything feels like too much.”

 

“You mean Dad and his training sessions or all this saving the world crap?”

 

Allison smiles sympathetically.

 

“Yeah. All that. And... well. Sometimes...” she sighs, “I don’t know if I should be saying this, but sometimes I wonder, what it’d be like. You know, if I hadn’t...”

 

She vaguely moves her hands around.

 

“If I hadn’t been born with these powers, or if I had grown up with my biological mother, or if I was born _normal_.”

 

Klaus raises his eyebrows. He’s definitely had some rough training sessions, and a handful of arguments with his father- if a one sided conversation where he was basically ignored can even be called an argument- but he’s never once considered what his life would be like if he wasn’t raised by Reginald Hargreeves.

 

“Ugh, I knew it... it’s just me.”

 

“No, no, no! It... makes sense. Dad’s been really hard on us lately, and we’re actually... fighting crime now. Two weeks ago someone almost died because we weren’t careful. That’s... a lot. It’s a lot. And... it does feel unfair. We didn’t exactly ask for this.”

 

Allison sighs, relieved, and nods.

 

“And sometimes, I wish...” she pauses, plays ideally with the necklace she wears- the one given to her by Luther, “... that I could just runaway from it all.”

 

Klaus frowns.

 

Is she really that unhappy here?

 

“Well gee golly Miss Hargreeves, you sure got some troubles.” He says in the voice of a southern belle. It earns him a smile and an eye roll.

 

“I’m serious Klaus!”

 

“And I’m as serious as my husband is ‘bout some apple pie.”

 

She shakes her head, though her smile grows wider.

 

“Do another one!”

 

“Hey there honey,” he says in an Elvis Presley-esque voice, “you’re lookin’ mighty blue, an’ I know a thing or two about the blues.”

 

Allison laughs unabashedly and freely.

 

-//-

 

They are fifteen and it’s not getting any easier. Some nights when he can no longer bare it alone, Klaus will sneak across the hall where he often finds awake, reading under lamplight. As of late, however, Klaus has been finding it easier to fall asleep as long as he smokes a bit of weed at bedtime- after Mom, Pogo and Dad have gone to bed, of course.

 

But even with his little sleep aid, it doesn’t guarantee a solid night’s sleep.

 

Klaus groans as he’s awakened to someone harshly shoving him.

 

“Move over.”

 

He sleepily obliges and slides over so Ben can crawl in beside him.

 

“What’s up?” Klaus asks through a yawn.

 

“Finished my book.” Ben answers simply as he gets comfortable beneath the sheets.

 

“Mmm.” Klaus hums, he struggling to stay awake- the additional warmth in the bed is lulling him back to sleep, but he doesn’t want to leave Ben awake and alone.

 

“Have you seen him?” Ben asks quietly.

 

It’s been almost two years since Five disappeared. Every day Ben asks if Klaus has seen Five, or more specifically, his ghost. And each time the answer is the same.

 

Klaus isn’t sure if that means they should have hope.

 

Maybe Five just doesn’t want to see them.

 

“No, not today. Some some guy who’d blown his brains out though a little after lunch.”

 

“Ew.”

 

“Yeah. You know... for what it’s worth, I’ve never had someone approach me after you... you know.”

 

“... really?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

He knows Ben has nightmares about it, about the bodies and the blood. He knows he sees all their faces- not the same way Klaus does, but close in all the ways that count.

 

They both have trouble falling asleep, and don’t stay asleep long.

 

That’s what started the late night rendezvous- they kept running into each other in the kitchen.

 

“And something else... Luther can probably pick up a bus with his bare hands, but I think you’re the strongest out of all of us.”

 

“Because I have a portal to other dimensions in my chest that summons unspeakable horrors?”

 

“No, no. Well, yeah, but that’s not the point, I mean- it’s easy, you know, relatively speaking, for Luther and Diego and even Allison. It’s easy to be gifted when your powers are super strength and super precision and super convincing.... of course it’s easy to wake up and feel like a hero when you have powers like those. But you... you have something that is scary, and a burden to you... and you keep going anyways. And you keep trying to make the world a better place. And you keep putting that mask on. And I think... that’s true strength. That’s true heroism.”

 

Klaus doesn’t have to see Ben’s face to know he’s smiling softly in the dark.

 

“Thanks Klaus.”

 

Klaus throws his arm over Ben’s chest as he rolls over with a smile of his own.

 

-//-

 

They are seventeen, and the laughter died with Ben. It’s been four months since he’s passed away, and two weeks since Allison left.

 

“Hey Luther.” Klaus says after standing in his bedroom doorway for a few seconds, watching Luther do push-ups.

 

“I’m busy Klaus.”

 

“You’re always busy.” He says offhandedly.

 

Luther stops, brings his legs underneath him, sits so that his legs are tucked beneath him.

 

“What?” He says shortly.

 

“Oh please,” Klaus says with an eye roll, “so we’re just going to keep pretending everything’s okay? Like shit isn’t totally weird around here? Like you aren’t just working out every second or every day to avoid your feelings?”

 

“Look, Klaus, I don’t have time to entertain... whatever this is.”

 

Klaus frowns.

 

“I’m not...”

 

“Some of us actually want to apply ourselves. Unlike you, I actually use my powers, and in order to use them, I have to maintain them. So, if you’ll excuse me...”

 

Luther shifts so that he’s laying on the floor and begins doing sit-ups.

 

His words sting, but Klaus knows he’s just upset. Everyone is still reeling over Ben’s death, and Luther and Allison were always close, and now she’s gone... it’s just a lot for Luther to deal with on his own.

 

Luckily for him, he isn’t on his own.

 

 

 

Physical humor has always made Luther laugh, from someone slipping down the stairs to running into the wall, he has always been the one to burst out laughing when someone gets hurt as his other siblings checked on whoever took the fall.

 

It’s been nearly five years since he last intentionally inflicted pain on himself for the sake of making Luther laughs, but Klaus thinks he’s just high enough from the weed he smoked earlier that the pain won’t bother him too much.

 

Besides, he rationalizes with himself, this is an emergency.

 

“Okay Luther,” Klaus says as he turns to step into the hallway, “I’ll just...”

 

He intentionally lets his foot catch on the door frame, and floor comes up to meet him with a full ache. He groans as he pushes himself upright.

 

“How did I-“

 

“Klaus, just... stop. Okay? You’re annoying me.”

 

Klaus, still on his hands and knees, is looking over his shoulder at Luther completely dumbfound.

 

... annoying?

 

He knew then he had nothing left to offer the world. He had a power that felt more like a curse. He was a disappointment to his father, a waste in missions, he sucked at combat and his studies weren’t going well either. And now he couldn’t do the one thing he could always do- make his siblings laugh.

 

Somewhere along the way, they stopped thinking he was funny. They started accusing him of trying to be the center of attention. They told him to stop goofing around when he was being genuine, told him to be serious when he was being earnest. It’s like they thought he was a joke, and no one wanted to take him seriously... but they weren’t amused either.

 

One day his siblings stopped laughing, and he has no idea how to make them smile again.

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by observations during my third rewatch of the show :,)


End file.
